Sunday, April 24, 2011

I'm Not Ready...

There are many things in life that we prepare ourselves for. It is a natural feeling to want to be prepared for things in life. For the most part, we handle things better if we are prepared for them. Life in the Rogers’ household has been hectic lately, to say the least. Just recently I have realized a few things that I am just not ready for…

1. F.I.V.E.

My little, sweet, precious first born, Matthew, turned 5 on Friday! Yes, I said it, 5. F.I.V.E. I can’t believe it. Has is already been 5 years? It seems impossible, yet Friday, he blew out the 5 candles on his Toy Story birthday cake.

Matthew has always gotten books from Dolly Parton’s Imagination Library. He loves going to the mailbox and pulling out a book that is addressed to him. About a month ago he got a book in the mail titled, “Kindergarten, Here I Come!” Inside the front cover was a letter from Dolly Parton explaining that this was to be his last book. LAST BOOK!?! What? Then I remembered that kids get books until they turn 5 and that is the age my baby boy was about to be. As we read the book together we discussed things that he would be doing in Kindergarten next year.
A few weeks ago, Matthew’s preschool class visited all the Kindergarten classes in our school. Since that time, all Matthew has talked about was whose class he wants to be in and which friends he wants in there with him. Logically, I know that nothing will actually change next year. He will still ride to school with me. We will hang out in my classroom until it is time for him to go to class. I will see him throughout the day. I guess it is just the fact that he will now actually be in school. Preschool doesn’t technically count. He will be a Kindergartener. I can’t believe how much he has changed and grown up in the past 5 years. He is so independent now. I love the stage that Matthew is in now. He can do many things on his own…and yet he still needs me. I guess part of me is just not ready for him to grow up just yet.

2. The “C” Word

My daddy went to the doctor recently because the Lymph Node on the side of his neck was swollen. The doctor prescribed him some antibiotics, but they did not make much of a difference. He was then sent to a specialist, Dr. M. Dr. M was very concerned and quickly scheduled blood work, CT Scan, and surgery to remove, what was thought to be a small mass in his neck.
Thursday was the day of the surgery. He was at the Surgery Center at 6:45 am. After viewing the CT scan, Dr. M decided to run a scope down daddy’s throat to check to see if he saw any masses on the inside. He did. There was a small mass on daddy’s right tonsil. Dr. M removed the tonsil. He decided not to try to remove the mass on the neck. He said he felt more comfortable doing that in a hospital. The mass from the tonsil was sent off to be biopsied; the results should be in on Tuesday. The words “Lymphoma” and “Discuss treatment options” were all thrown around.

Daddy with Miles.

My daddy has battled skin cancer for years, but all of his biopsies have returned benign. He is also a chronic smoker. So I’ve always known that there was a good chance that my daddy would one day have a fight with cancer. I guess I just didn’t realize it would be this soon. I always pictured it way later in his life. My boys were both grown and out of the house, that way I had lots of time to devote to taking care of him. I also needed this time to bring daddy to Christ.
My mother has always been the one to take me to church. My daddy would come occasionally, but for the most part, it was just mom and me. About 8 years ago my nephew asked daddy to come to church with us and to our surprise, he came. To our surprise again, he kept coming! He came to every service for about 2 years. He started to study his Bible and ask some questions. I thought, “Finally! This is it! Daddy is starting to see the Light!” Then, for no apparent reason, he missed a service. Then 2. Then 3. Now it has been 6 years’ worth of services missed. We ask him to come; he just says “No.” He will occasionally come hear Michael preach at Benton, but nothing regular. I have tried to talk with him about it, but he says very little. I finally resigned to myself that he is as stubborn as me and will come around when he is ready. “I just need to continue to be a good example and he will eventually see the error of his ways.” After Thursday, I realized that we may not have the time for him to come around on his own. I realized…I’m not ready! Obviously, I’m not ready to lose my daddy. More importantly, I not ready to give my daddy over to the Devil! I haven’t fought hard enough! I need more time! I need time to discuss, study, and come up with a plan of attack…but what if I don’t have that kind of time? What am I going to do? That is a question I am not ready to answer…

I AM ready for a few things though…

1. I AM ready to be a more patient wife and mother.
2. I AM ready to be a better example to my family and friends.
3. I AM ready to be a better giver of my time and my money.
4. I AM ready to fight harder to win souls to Christ.
5. I AM ready to stop worrying so much about the things of this world.
6. I AM ready to focus on heavenly things.
7. I AM ready to focus on a closer walk with God.